Today I saw an episode of "13 reasons why" in which Jessica was raped by Bryce. I could not have watched this because I was emotionally broken by looking at her flashbacks.

Later in the evening we were playing "civilians, murderers and dectectives". It was brutally said that someone had been raped, anal and without lubricant. There was laughter with the sarcastic way how the person explained it.

The people woke up. They were told "Amber, you were brutally anally raped tonight without mercy." A few seconds later I got my flashbacks. I felt powerless, I felt the pain.

They were more intense images. Blood Sweat and tears. Broken and fragile.

I could no longer bear the eyes that looked at me. I turned around when I realized that I am powerless against the flashbacks, which become stronger.

Realizing that I have been abused three times in my life is hard. Getting to know step by step in the longer term is difficult. But realizing that it does affect you in everyday life is frightened.

The effect that stands out in how I can not deal with forced or forced physical touches. Or the side effect that I am now awake by that I do not have your male arms around me.

I can tell my scars long without it becoming a problem. I hide them by telling them about it. But tonight I saw my story back on repeat.

10/06/2017