Angriness

I've been in contact with people who have a lot of anger inside them all my life. To release that anger, they yell at the persons who love them or to some random strangers. I recently have learned that they have anger/frustrations and project it on you. If you experience this, don't forget that their words are most likely what they found about themselves. This process made me understand some persons more because I found a way to know where their anger is coming from. It is a reaction from the pain within them. So most of the time, there is no way you can blame yourself for someone being angry at you. You aren't responsible for the emotions of someone else.

When I was a child, I couldn't understand why my mother started to yell each time. What I experienced was how her expressions changed and how anger took control over her. When this happened, every person, man or woman, got afraid of her, from this tiny, little woman who changed into a lioness who physically and mentally protects. It is a pure evil look. I hope you never have seen this or will never see it in someone's face.

But did you ever wonder if the lion/lioness needs protection from their anger? Did you ever wonder if that anger will destroy the people you want to protect? Did you ever think of the history of your anger? Every harmful habit has its background.

I was a sweet little young child—a girl who listened to the rules they gave me. I didn't cry a lot, and I was always polite. When I was five years old, I started to stand up for bullied kids by bullying the bullies back. It was my way of showing that if you don't share the love with everyone, you deserve to be treated how you treat them. A lot of people experienced this, and for them, I was an annoying little kid. Between my 5 and 11 years old, I defended the ones who deserved it with words. I can't understand why kids love to harm other kids by creating or growing insecurities because of their skin, clothes, lifestyle, language, culture, etc. Because they think they are better than them. We are all just kids that try to find their place in this big world.

While getting older, I realized it is more about the family's background that affects kids to judge. Instead of letting your child experience things and learn for themselves, people want to warn them how to survive in this world. Sadly enough, most of the time, you can only advise them after they experience something because giving them warnings holds them back to share and learn. Kids need to explore; they must have the opportunity to feel emotions and to be free from your bad habits. Don't project your bad habits on your child. Children are harmless; they come into this world without any bad habits.

When I was 12 years old, I started to feel the anger growing inside of me. The angriness was already developing for years because I couldn't defend myself at home. I couldn't protect myself for so many years. Instead of only debating for the people who deserved it, I started to lose my anger on people I didn't like. People who said one word wrong, people who thought were more significant than I was, from people I knew to random strangers. It didn't matter if they were younger or older than me; if they couldn't have respect for me and the persons I loved, I lost my respect for them in one very second. This time, I started with yelling words, and I used physical force if I needed to. All for the sake of 'defending myself.'

Sadly, a lot of souls got to know this version of me. Now I look back at that version of me, and damn I was an angry annoying bitch. By the age of 11 years old, until I was 15 years, four years of not being afraid of getting hurt on the streets, I was scattered from the inside. Sadly enough, almost no one of those souls knew the reasons behind it. It took me 14 years of not being afraid of getting hurt at my own home.

The last thing I am is being proud of that version of myself. I let anger take control over me. I thought it would help me receive the power I needed to save myself, but it didn't. I have become ashamed of myself that I mistreated so many souls. One day, I realized many people knew me the way I hated myself. That day, I walked away from many people, away from the people who only knew that version of me. Because I knew if I didn't leave them behind, my anger habits would still have control over me.

I looked at my actions and saw how many people were hurt by them. I felt how much pain I had inside of me. I started to hold tight on the love around me. I promised myself that I would never go back to this tiny little girl, the one people were afraid of. It isn't in my nature to like hurting people. It is in my blood and veins to love, help, and advise people.

The only relationships that bring the worst out of me throughout the years, the yelling version, is the one with my mom and people who mistreated people I love. I'm still a lioness that protects but instead of physically/mentally using power over someone who disagrees with me; I will use my words in the hope that people start to think. I will only say them to persons who like or find it normal to hurt a human/animal—the people who have bad habits affect the people around them.

Instead of being angry at yourself, instead of ignoring your past, instead of lying to yourself, instead of not working on yourself, start to think about how your anger/pain can affect the persons around you. Stead of feeding that angry version of yourself, try to learn how to accept your emotions and how to find peace with them. Find another way to experience and release those emotions. Don't feel bad for yourself or others because you will feel disappointed. Motivate yourself. Try to find solutions. Ask the people around you for any help, have conversations about it, EXERCISE, try to search why, and check the history of angriness in your family. Try to lose bad habits and negative thoughts because they only support the anger inside of you. Surround yourself with persons who don't want to harm you and fill you with love.

Some people can say that the words they say when they are angry are just words. It is 'better' than being physically aggressive. It isn't. As soon as you are mad, as soon as you are yelling, or as soon as you are hitting a person, you want to hurt that person. You are trying to give your pain to someone else. You want to take the person's power while using every mean word you know or every hard hit. And most of the time, you will hurt yourself even more. You will make yourself and the person involved feel worthless. You will lose even more the love for yourself, and the persons around you will lose respect for you at some point because you destroy them while you keep on beating yourself. People only stay in love with somebody who loves themselves or at least are working on themselves. Persons who love somebody know anger isn't the answer to love yourself or somebody else. Don't learn to the people around you that it is okay to hurt the people you love. Don't learn it for your children because bad habits start when you are young.

03/08/2018