How real faces of the people you love can hurt you

The longer you are away the more it feels like you mean less to the people you love.

I've been told that after some big life changes you will realise who your real friends are.

To be honest I never thought this would happen to me. My best friends, my girls, they are my family.

What happened in reality is that I've chosen my own path to happiness. Away from my home country, away from the people who hurt me, away from the people I love, away from bad habits, away from everything that made me the person I was, away from the hometown where feeling alone is only when you come across unhappiness or sadness, away from all the energy and emotions I carried with me, away from my lovely pets and away from a place where you always can find one person that will physically stand there when you need someone to hold you.

Last year at the end of September I went on a trip to Asia with almost no plan. Main reasons: Being unhappy, trying to let go of my fears and trying to find love for myself and let the love for my life grow again.

Now you know the reasons, you realise how scary this big step was in my life. The weeks before I left were scary as fuck. Then I was travelling and loving it. Felt free like a bird. I must say it is the most amazing feeling I have experienced while growing up and I recommend it to every single person with a heartbeat. The world is too big to stay in one place.

The reactions of the people who love me? A few were mad that I was leaving them behind, a few were scared that something would happen to me, some were sad that they wouldn't be able to see me during those weeks and more than the average of them were so happy for me that I was doing this big step that would change so much. This is quite normal, every person has a different personality and experiences emotions in different ways than you would expect. Does it make it easier to take that flight? Of course not, no matter what, it isn't easy.

I had a scooter accident in Asia which slowed me down and put me in bed for a while. At some point I was alone in this experience , I was in pain and I was missing everything I loved from my birthplace. This experience changed me in a million different ways than I ever would have expect. Therefore I wouldn't change the fact that I went through it all, while missing every single person I loved. It was an eye opener for my emotions about my life and the people in my life.

After travelling, recovering and travelling some more I went back to my hometown. I already knew I wasn't planning on staying long because I fell in love during my travelling. The young men I felt in love with lived in Australia, miles away from each other, the other side of the world from Belgium and even that didn't stop us from taking that change to let our love grow even harder.

This time I was visiting them for one month and I wasn't going away for a few weeks. It was one year plan of going away. This time I experienced the same emotions with the persons I love. Anger, fear, happy, love, sad and oh some ignored the fact that I was leaving. It was a chaos for me as for each one of them.

There I was, travelling in Australia with my love. Only him and I, miles away from everybody I love. It was that kind of fairytale love story that finally became real. We saw so many beautiful places where you can't find any other human. We shared our fears, love, stories and energy for the full 100% with each other.

I was living with my head and heart in pink the clouds. Even when reality came along and put us in different, difficult situations, we were in it together, solid like a rock. In those different, difficult situations, on a tough hard way I found out some real faces of the people I love. In an unexpected way I saw their colours turning black and support was far away.

Maybe I was naïeve, I've never realised the fact that some that were standing so close to me would be jealous or what their reasons are to be mad, leave me stuck in a difficult situation without even trying to talk to me. Why was it coming out of nowhere for me? Because I'm a young woman who would like to give the persons I love the world. I would like that they can grow up happily and realise their flaws are the most beautiful aspects about them instead of being insecure. I would love the fact they made good life decisions, I hope they live their life as healthy and as happy as they deserve, I would like that they would do anything to work on themselves so they aren't standing still wishing they would be finally happy again. I would like that they experience beautiful things because most of them suffered already too much and not a change in the world I would be jealous/angry or disappointed when they go through some experiences like that. It makes me happy and proud of them. And if they don't reach their goals, I'm there to help/guide or give advice to them if they let me.

While being broke, while wondering if life would turn from bad to good again, while seeing no path to our dream, while only having support from a few persons I love, while only having a few who believed me, while only having a few who talked to me instead of behind my back (Thank you again, I love you) and while physically having one shoulder to cry on, my heart broke down into a hundred pieces.

It was a heartbroken realisation that I lost the trust in my girls that were my family. I grew up knowing I couldn't trust my family for a million reasons. Most of the pain I got while being a child is because I thought I could trust to be safe around them while having their support but instead they weren't protecting me from themselves. That is one of the reasons why I grew up and found those lovely girls throughout the years where I put my heart and soul in to love them as they are my own family.

They got every support, advice, love, attention, pain relieve, and conversations that I could offer because they deserve it and I didn't have it in my own home while growing up. I love these people. I totally love them differently from how I learned what love is about and I promised myself I wouldn't show anybody I love what I experienced while growing up. Till this day I wouldn't show them the ugly part of love. But enough is enough. I gave a lot of changes throughout the years. But I don't allow them to break my heart while lying to themselves after years of standing next to me. I don't allow that they put their bad habits on our relationship while taking of their mask. Be honest to yourself and try not to hurt yourself because of your fake masks you put on. The real good hearted people will only stick with you if you don't hide yourself behind the ugly truth, only the fake ass people will stand next to you and you will find yourself taking more about other people without working on yourself.

If you realise who your real friends are it is okay to experience a lot of pain. It hurts like hell. But never forget your value and don't go below what you deserve. You may experience some hate for the ones who show their different sides but never let the hate take control. Staying mad won't help you to process your broken heart. Stay true to yourself and make room to learn to trust yourself more than anybody else. After all, every person deserves to reach their goals one day while walking their way to happiness.

29/07/2018