The night of 3 August 2010

When I was 14 years old some young insecure boy of 15 years old took advantage of the fact that I was drunk. That night three people needed to carry me back home because I couldn't stand on my legs anymore.

Two weeks before I went on holiday, my boyfriend broke up with me. While being heartbroken and young I tried to drink it away. It was the first and last time I drank absinth. For the people who don't know what it is, it is forbidden in most countries because the amount of alcohol can go from 50% till 80%. I'm not going to lie, I had a great time with the people around me that night before everything became blurry.

Luckily for my mental state, I totally blacked out. I couldn't remember anything. My memory is really good and the only other black out I have had is when I had my scooter accident. Even abuse of alcohol or drugs never made me forget anything.

What I do remember is waking up because the father of an old friend opened the door while saying: "Why are you guys still sleeping at this time of day?" Then I realised he wasn't only speaking to me, so I turned my head and saw the guy sleeping next to me while I was laying naked in his bunkbed.

I freaked out, put my clothes on and tried to find out what happened by asking questions about last night. The older girls told me how wasted I was and how we were all sitting together at the end of the night. The girls were supporting me because I was upset and crying because I missed my ex-boyfriend. I kept on telling them how much I loved him and how much I hoped he would get back together with me. After that they couldn't give me anymore information except that they thought I slept alone.

Still in shock, having a massive hangover and not knowing what happened. The only thing I knew is that there was not one chance in the world that I wanted to have sex with this guy. I was 14 years old, my ex-boyfriend was my first and only sex partner. I wasn't attracted to him and I was still in love with my ex. I realised that there was something wrong but I couldn't figure out what because my memory couldn't support me.

I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. I was feeling really sick, lost, dirty and helpless. My mom was miles away from me, I didn't have contact with my dad anymore and I was miles away from my best friends. But I needed help. So I went to the mother of the old friend to try to have a conversation. She was really busy, didn't have a clue and it wasn't like I could open my mouth and say what was going on. So instead I was hanging around her for a while to try to find some comfort.

When I was 15 I found out that I have a lot of food allergies after being sick a hundred times for a year. I'm allergic to nuts, wheat flour, milk, soy milk, eggs, every single fruit except citrus fruit, cucumber, raw carrots and raw potatoes. My allergies of everything that is nature was so high that it crossed over to some food.

I was not processing everything about what happened to me during my youth. Less than 10 months ago I started to process, heal and learn about every experience. Throughout the years the people around me, the doctors and me were trying to find a reason why my allergies are so wide but we never found a way/reason that matched for me.

A few months ago my allergies of milk, soy milk and eggs were gone after going to Asia. That made me think about the fact that my allergies were damaging my body when I was 14 years old and that it is most likely, that my body and mind were giving up on everything that was healthy after so much suffering. Most of my bad experiences in life happened till the age of 14. My mom stopped physically beating me, she lost the power she had over me because I was getting stronger, mentally and physically. Mentally and emotionally she still beat me down till I lost faith and love in myself. Throughout the years I lost trust in my mom. The first man you have to be able to trust is your dad, my trust turned into fear over the years. A lot of different bad experiences, with a lot of pain through some lovely childhood memories too that I will never forget.

Recently I remembered that while hanging around the mom of the old friend I tried to find comfort in food while asking her if I could call my mom. I love fruit, I've always been more a fruit person than a vegetable person. So I took some lovely peach, it smelled delicious and I took a big bite. This was my first allergic reaction to fruit. My mouth, my throat, my tongue and my lips swelled up. I was in panic and I thought I was going to choke while trying to talk on the phone with my mom. My mom and the mother of my old friend couldn't understand any word I was saying. There I was a young girl in panic about everything that happened physically to me, without knowing what the hell was going on.

My boyfriend and I got back together after the summer. I still couldn't find a moment or a person to talk to about what happened to me over the holiday. A little bit more than two months later I was getting sick. There was something wrong with my female parts that I couldn't figure out. Because my mom didn't know I had sex with my boyfriend, I didn't know what to do so I didn't say anything. After two weeks, I couldn't walk anymore without pain and I couldn't go to school. I was home alone and my mom was working. I called my mom in tears and tried to explain her the situation. She couldn't take a day off so she called her best friend to bring me to the gynaecologist.

My mom's best friend, the mother of my old friend, was sitting next to me while my gynaecologist told me I had a very high attack of herpes. I was 14 years old and didn't have a clue what that meant. He explained to me that it is an STD and he tried to calm me down and said that you can get it from a dirty toilet.

While going back home, sitting in the car with a mother who couldn't believe the news I just got while being 14 years old. I didn't have a clue what was happening. When I arrived home, my mom got the news and went in a shock. Instead of trying to talk to me to find out what happened, she accused her 14 year old daughter of being a slut.

This brought me in the situation that I had to have a conversation with my boyfriend who was only one year older than me about the STD. I explained him everything and what happened that summer. Maybe because of anger, maybe because of not knowing better, he didn't believe me. He only believed that I wanted to have sex with the guy and that I cheated on him. He was the first person I told and no comfort or help was found. He gave me some strict rules because he couldn't trust me anymore. I wasn't allowed to drink anymore, I wasn't allowed to be alone with my friends anymore, I wasn't allowed to go to a party without him anymore, etc... I'm happy that I never gave him the STD.

Several months passed by feeling guilty I and I started to lose my confidence. I tried to reach out for some help but that didn't work out. I kept it away from my parents and I started to tell some girl friends my experience like it was nothing. My ex boyfriend never believed me and I hope while growing up he will never again treat somebody who is been abused, raped or mistreated the same way. My old friend and the guy kept on saying to everybody that I had sex with that guy that summer. Because the guy was a little bit of a nobody and I was a popular girl, the rumour spread everywhere. Everywhere I went, people were asking me if it was true while I couldn't even defend myself. So yeah it is true, that guy was my second sex partner, a one night stand that I didn't want. One I can't remember because he abused me, one I will never be able to forget because he marked me with an STD for the rest of my life.

Having an STD so young made me scared of what I had to tell my future sex partners. I had gone through hours of crying with one of my best friends when my first relationship ended because how in the world would I find someone that could love me with an STD. Why? While growing up you hear in this society how having an STD is something awful and disgusting. And most of the people who have it are female or male sluts. You can pass it on to everybody. Well it isn't true. Most people I've been talking to got an STD because of bad luck, like me, or even trusting the first sex partner they got. There are so many different STD's and most of them are so common. Not a lot of them are for a life time and easy to solve with medication. It is worse to get one being a woman because most STD's can attack your fertility. Men most of the time dont even know they have an STD. I learned after believing that it was possible to get it from a dirty toilet that it isn't true. For herpes you only can pass it on if you have sex while having an contamination without a condom. Do people use more condoms when they realise how common and how many STD there are? I don't think so because otherwise it wouldn't be common anymore. What I recommend is that the more often you try to think about a condom while having a one nightstand the better, and if you start a new relationship, it is better to get you both tested for STD's.

My first abuse happened on this day, 8 years ago. Over the years this experience took me to some different stages as unhappy, sad, scared and fragile. It took me some years to really realise what happened. Last summer I experienced a chakra massage, I experienced the pain my body felt on the night of my abuse. Your mind can have a black out because it doesn't want you to remember the experience, but that doesn't mean that your body forgets. Your body also has memory cells. When I experienced the pain I knew for sure I was raped. I'm glad that over the years I talked with my friends about it, I'm open about what happened and how I experienced it. Too many people take the advantage of a person to abuse, rape, mistreat or groping them. If you are a victim never forget to talk about it. You aren't alone and there is no reason to be ashamed because no matter what it will never be your fault! If you can't find the right person to talk to, don't give up trying to find somebody where you can let your emotions run free. Too many times people keep it to themselves and it follows them without having a person who can hold/support you when you got the nasty effects of what happened to you. Make sure you can find comfort in your future sex partner so he can have patience. Make sure you give yourself, your body and mind enough time to realise and to heal. And it is normal that it takes time. Never ever give up on yourself and always believe in yourself. You have the power deep within, don't think you don't have it because people treated you wrong.

For me 8 years later, I'm still afraid that something would happen again but every year I'm healing more and I'm further away from where I was when it first happened. After going through the proces of realising, working, healing and learning how to live with my experiences in my youth, I can learn what my body and mind needs and deserve. I'm working on it! So one day, my body and mind will stop alarming me for the healthy things in life because I learned to live without the toxic and to appreciate and love the good things in life again.

04/08/2018