What mama cacao showed me

Mama cacao let me feel:

That I have some much pain and grief inside me.

I stored the pain and grief of my parents.

13 generations of pain kept inside me.

I felt the pain of how my father couldn't hold me when he wanted or when I needed him to hold me. I felt his pain of not being able to hold me for years. I felt the pain of losing his daughter. I felt his pain and grief of not having a chance to have me with him.

I felt how he loves me so deeply.

I felt how he feels like he failed at protecting me. I felt how I was holding myself while being scared or in pain while he wanted to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.

I felt how he really has a lot of grief around the fact we didn't get a normal father-daughter relationship because of the anger my parents hold towards each other.

I am here. I feel it. I grieve for the pain and the things we missed out on that kids with a healthy relationship with their parents have. For many, it seems so normal to have had many holidays shared together. To be able to come home and hug both of your parents or have arguments with them because they are worried about you. It seems for many of us normal to have both of our parents there when you achieve many things. It seems normal to go and do activities together. I grieve for the lost times and the times that will never come. Even when I have my father back in my life, our relationship isn't like a normal father-daughter relationship. There are so many lost times, so much grief, so much pain, so many scares and so much anger between our love. Even when the love of your parent is there but they aren't always in your life for different reasons, you will notice how much effect it has on yourself and them. You will need a lot of outside support, to support yourself. Give yourself a lot of patience and space because grief and pain come with ups and downs in your life. Love yourself and others. Forgive yourself and others.

I know my dad loves me deeply and I love him with every inch of my heart. I also feel in the cure of my heart, how he was there for the first 4 years of my life holding me like his baby. Together with my mother. Sadly enough I see it in my memories because I was too young.

There are so many times I wish to be this little Ember who can have two parents that are standing above me as a parent. Together without a battle of the war between them. Without their mistakes, pains, anger, and worries. An relationship with my mother and my father as being a kid who doesn’t feel responsible for their losses, pain, and misery. Even when I know I am not responsible. I am more a parent to my parents than they are in our relationship. I am their little kid, but they didn't heal their own little kid. I am healing my little inner child for some time now, which makes me more of an adult in our relationship with them. While healing my inner child, I am healing the stored trauma of my parents, grandparents, and ancestors. I grieve so much for their pain while wishing them all the best.

I am hugging myself. I am hugging my mom. I am hugging my dad. I love you both. I love myself. I forgive myself. I am here. I am a being. I have flaws. I grow and I heal.

Thank you for giving me the space to let it all out. To let me cry it all out. To let me feel it. To move my body wild around with all the emotions I have. To love me in every single process. And to heal me from every emotion. I am grateful for life, grateful for the sun, and grateful for all the shared love in this universe.

17/04/2022